DJ Duk

June 02, 2004

Tao of Stalin

This list began as a way to lift some of the crushing boredom imposed upon me in an exploitive capitalist job (level three boredom, to be exact ). I was thinking how much better it would be to laboring in a glorious paradise of liberated workers, not tied to the phone of a bourgeoisie capitalist pig.

It occurred to me that it’s going to take a lot of dedicated, loyal revolutionaries to bring this about. As such, I’ve compiled a short list of helpful suggestions to those of you who want to be communist dictators, and face it, who doesn’t? Written in the style of Eastern Philosophy, a mainstay of our Chinese communist brethren, commies since 1952 and still going strong, the list is formed of signposts to examine when you reach a personal crossroads. I don’t know how many times I’ve come to the crux of a decision and thought “Gee, what would Joseph do?” Now, through my revolutionary largess, you have a list of helpful suggestions to keep in mind to keep you on the Neo-Marxist path. And, like all things in life, this document will change and grow as I, and in fact as you also, gain a greater understanding of life guiding the proletariat to a true and long lasting freedom.

A final note: It has been pointed out to me since the inception of this list that some of the points seem contradictory with certain other points. For instance, somebody might say “Gee, fun should be enough of a reason for talking back to Chairman Mao.” Each of the phrases on the list is incontrovertibly true. Those of you who say otherwise simply lack the appropriate vision. Report to the salt mine. There are no conflicts on this list.

The Tao of Stalin
A Guide to Being a Communist Dictator in Spirit and Practice

• The Way of Peace is the way of Death for the Soviet Republic
• The Way of Capitalism is a path to Greed and Misery
• The way of Communism is the way to Glorious brotherhood IN misery
• To live, Be like Iron
• To be like Iron is to punish for an infraction as soon as it becomes possible
• Never use torture without a good reason
• Fun is a good enough reason for anything
• Never talk back to your mother, or Chairman Mao
• Mercy is soft, and is the first step on the Way of Peace
• The only effective Punishment is Death
• Nobody Doesn't Love Puppies
• A soft Enemy is a defeated Enemy
• To defeat an Enemy seem to be soft so your Enemy will also be soft, but remain of Iron
• If you want 10, demand 30, and if they don't offer at least 20, launch nukes
• Make a Promise for Forever, Keep a Promise for as long as it is Convenient
• If a Man Threatens You, Threaten His Puppy
• Enemies are like Heavyweight Boxers. Better by far to watch them fight than to get involved
• As a Leader you stand on the backs of the workers. Pile some more workers on
• When offered a choice between two attractive options, kill whoever was foolish enough to presume to limit you and take both
• Plan 'B' is always "Launch the Nukes"
• Sometimes, Plan 'A' is "Launch the Nukes"
• Plan 'C' is a secret, but I can tell you it involves Vodka
• While it may be fun, scorched earth is not always the best policy.
• Put people at ease. Instead of “genocide” say “reorganization of population.” Use “Entertain” instead of “Torture horribly for fun”
• Education is power. People who Divide power get overthrown
• It is impossible to run a county without good help. But remember, if your help is too good you will not run a country for long.
• Fight for Mother Russia
• It is glorious to give your lives, property, freedom, self respect, hope, future, talent, and family for Mother Russia
• I Am Mother Russia
• Nobody calls me Mommy

Posted by DjDuk at June 2, 2004 02:42 AM