June 17, 2004
Grade levels
I can tell that the lexicon entry posted today is not up to regular quality. I use MS Word to spell check my posts and it always assigns a grade level. What this grade level means I couldn't say but it's obviously a number and in numbers higher is always better. It's customary to pause here and allow the golfers to quiet down. Today's lexicon entry rated a poor 9.0, whereas most of my entries rate closer to 11.5. I'd like to extend an apology to all of the people who read the Changeling Lexicon entry. Except the golfers. Noisy bastards deserve it. I'll extend further apologies as the grade level on this post is a paltry 8.9.
Posted by DjDuk at 11:44 PM | Comments (3)
Changeling
A baby deposited by fairies after stealing a normal human infant. A mideaval superstition necessary to allow the destruction of unwanted babies prior to safe abortion. The existance of changelings is proven in the person of Micheal Jackson. A quick glance at his features; pale skin, narrow nose, pronounced cheekbones, all point to one conclusion. Micheal Jackson is an elf. EMJ was clearly placed in his crib when the real MJ was kidnapped. No doubt the real MJ is now the only young black man with an impressive afro living in a toadstool outside of Munich (which is where all elves come from, pay attention). The Famous MJ was cloaked by some dark elven magic (like chocolate, more on that some other time) to prevent his fey nature from showing through. It was only later, after the spell began to fail we ordinary humans realized there was something amiss. Why faries might want real MJ, or any human infant, remains a mystery, but the fact remains hundreds of infants each year are replaced with changelings.
Posted by DjDuk at 11:38 PM | Comments (651)
June 16, 2004
Bailey - Puck
Bailey is DJ Duk's roommate. Bailey is, to all appearances a normal, if boring, individual. Perhaps a little too boring. It is DJ Duk's theory that Bailey is just a front, a cover, for a more insidious "Trickster Demon." While on the outside his gaze appears blank and devoid of reason on the inside (deeply inside) a malign intelligence lurks. This reasonable force inside (well hidden, very deeply inside) DJ Duk's 'Made in Taiwan' roommate may simply be some sort of medieval changeling, a Puck type spirit out for adventure and fun, biding its time until its Fairy king should summon it home. It could be more sinister, A "Descartes’ Demon," using it ability to walk unnoticed (or at least ignored) to deceive people and impair their ability to understand reality. Whether the driving force inside (somewhere) the "Bailey" shell intends weal or woe one thing is certain. There just has to be more going on in Bailey's mind than he lets on.
Posted by DjDuk at 04:17 AM | Comments (563)
Bailey - Blank Slate
Bailey is DJ Duk's roommate. Bailey is very close to being a person in the same way that an orange peel is very close to being an orange. It appears as though all the pieces are there from the outside but something isn't quite right. This makes Bailey as a bit of a blank slate as a person. Since he has no personal qualities Bailey responds to, and to a certain degree reflects, whatever qualities you bring to him. Under this theory a Bailey alone is lifeless and inanimate. This theory breaks down a bit when it becomes apparent that a Bailey in company is also a bit lifeless and inanimate.
Posted by DjDuk at 04:06 AM | Comments (16)
Bailey Definitions
The Site's first meta-definition. A Bailey definition is any attempt of DJ Duk to adequeatly define his roommate, "Bailey." This requires a meta-definition because Bailey is much harder to define than you'd think at first (or third or twenty-seventh) glance. Many different definitions of Bailey may be posted as we examine this deceptivly simple construct from a number of differnet angles.
Posted by DjDuk at 03:59 AM | Comments (1)
Hubris
In English we have a phrase, "Pride goeth before a fall." That sort of pride is called Hubris. Hubris is a Greek word describing how Rome took over the world. Ancient Greek History can be summed up as, "Greeks unite and develop politics, law, science, and chauvinism. Secure in their superiority (Hubris) the Greeks began to have empires and culture and a rather surprising ammount of really durable pottery. The Greeks go right on making pottery and inventing philosophies and they fail to respond to the growing power of Rome. Then quite before they realize it the Greeks are a minor provence in somebody else's Empire compelled to keep making pottery in perpetuity. The End." Hubris is thus a bad thing and should be avoid by all those not interested in working in clay. Hubris is still better than just "Bris" which is okay for babies but a really unpleasent idea for adults.
Posted by DjDuk at 01:52 AM | Comments (625)
June 13, 2004
Tainted Love
An 80's song by Soft Cell. Tainted Love's precise combination of endless repetition and simple recognizable sound patterns make it a feared mental predator. Since about 1992 a few bars of this song, or any other song, rhythm, or strange background noise that is similar in the slightest respect, results in the whole of this song bouncing around DJ Duk's head for weeks at a time. Over and over again. Its maddening.
Posted by DjDuk at 03:21 AM | Comments (611)
Evil Previews
Don't go to the movies. Its not worth the risk. The last time I went to the movies there was an add for Fanta and the song won't get out of my head. Its like Tainted Love but worse, and I'm afraid to see movies because of that damn add.
Posted by DjDuk at 03:16 AM | Comments (626)
June 02, 2004
Dragon Ball
Also Dragon Ball Z, Dragon Ball GT, and whatever other letters Toriyama (that is, the author) came up with before he decided to stop writing the same episode with a different title over and over again. Dragon Ball is the story of Goku, a character reminiscent of, if not directly derived from, the Monkey King in the Chinese Epic "The Journey to the West." The upshot of Dragon Ball is that Goku is frequently compelled to fight, initially for possession of the wish granting Dragon Balls and later for a variety of wholly surprising reasons. With each fight Goku becomes more powerful and naturally faces more powerful enemies in each subsequent battle. Scaling is an issue here, as before you quite realize it people are blasting the moon to bits or destroying planets. Then it gets silly. At one point Goku, magically transformed into a candy, declares himself the strongest gumdrop in the universe before brutally attacking a hooting pink man.
Posted by DjDuk at 03:31 AM | Comments (585)
Superman
An American Icon and one of, if not the very first, Super Hero. Superman comics are all just a bit boring. That's the problem with an indestructible hero that doesn't have a sense of humor. The various Dragon Ball series have the same "escalating power/indestrucatable hero" problem, but at least Goku can crack a joke. Sometimes I think the Man of Steel's real super power is to wear tights without anybody snickering at him.
Posted by DjDuk at 03:18 AM | Comments (1)
Clark Kent Syndrome
The ability to make a minor change to a character’s appearance and then have nobody recognize them as the same character. The Syndrome is named for Clark Kent, also Superman, whose impenetrable disguise for the last 80 years has been an ordinary pair of glasses. Other prime examples are the Characters from Sailor Moon, whose primary costume change is to shorten their skirts. Evidentially in Japan Super Heroes are best identified by their knees, and covering the knees provides perfect anonymity.
Posted by DjDuk at 03:13 AM | Comments (16)
Anime
Japanese method of butchering the word animation. Also the Japanese word for animated movies and television shows, much of which has recently been dumped on an unsuspecting American public. Anime covers a number of genres and can be quite good, so it certainly has no more place on this website
Posted by DjDuk at 03:12 AM | Comments (589)
Sailor Moon
An Anime featuring junior high school girls who transform from themselves to versions of themselves in slightly different clothing to fight against invaders from other planets (Clark Kent Syndrome). Also the title character of that anime.
Posted by DjDuk at 03:11 AM | Comments (0)
Lazy
A good companion to boredom. Laziness is the High octane fuel boredom consumes to make certain it can keep going. Boredom without Laziness is quickly overtaken by (Ugh) work
Posted by DjDuk at 03:11 AM | Comments (607)
Boredom pt 1
Actually, there are entire pages devoted to this one, and I’m too lazy to repeat them here
Posted by DjDuk at 03:10 AM | Comments (601)
Tattoo
The Fantasy Island Midget. “De Plane, De Plane!” You know
Posted by DjDuk at 02:55 AM | Comments (597)
Ricardo Montalbon
Frighteningly tanned actor who had the guts to play Khan opposite Shatner in Star Trek II: The Wrath of Khan. Also has the distinction of being “The Creepy Guy” on Fantasy Island
Posted by DjDuk at 02:55 AM | Comments (0)
Kim Il Jung (or Kim Jong Il)
One of these two is the current leader of North Korea. The other is his father. The fun is in trying to guess which is which. Although they haven’t claimed the title Mr. Kim (or possibly Mr. Kim) is a good candidate for the first cloned human being. The primary difference is that Jung was (or is) a dictator and communist while Il is (or was) a communist and a dictator (or vise versa). As a quick reference either one can be considered to be Tattoo to Chairman Mao’s Ricardo Montalbon.
Posted by DjDuk at 02:54 AM | Comments (607)
Our Glorious Chairman Mao
Mao Zedong, to the unimaginative. Chairman Mao pioneered the personality cult and kept the world enthralled with the witty aphorisms from his “Little Red Book.” While Mao really accomplished little except throwing his countrymen on the bayonets of the Japanese faster than any of the other competitors he’ll always be remembered as the Glorious Chairman who led China into communism. As a side note I was always curious if Little China had a Little Chairman Mao (LCM or Chibi-Mao for you Sailor Moon Fans) and if that LCM might have written a “Little Little Red Book.” Probably not. That would be silly.
Posted by DjDuk at 02:53 AM | Comments (47)
Kramer
The quintessential “wacky neighbor” from the TV show Seinfeld.
Posted by DjDuk at 02:44 AM | Comments (586)
Stalin
The best commie that ever there was. “Iron” Joe Stalin has the innate versatility to simultaneously stand for fear, terror, horror, murder and also hijinks, crazy commie capers, and other Kramer like escapades.
Posted by DjDuk at 02:44 AM | Comments (1)
Communists
A group of people known for providing amusement and entertainment to the entire world. Once a dangerous threat to society, the misguided, economically challenged, commie of today is simply funny. Like clowns. Only dirtier, usually.
Posted by DjDuk at 02:44 AM | Comments (0)
Tao of Stalin
This list began as a way to lift some of the crushing boredom imposed upon me in an exploitive capitalist job (level three boredom, to be exact ). I was thinking how much better it would be to laboring in a glorious paradise of liberated workers, not tied to the phone of a bourgeoisie capitalist pig.
It occurred to me that it’s going to take a lot of dedicated, loyal revolutionaries to bring this about. As such, I’ve compiled a short list of helpful suggestions to those of you who want to be communist dictators, and face it, who doesn’t? Written in the style of Eastern Philosophy, a mainstay of our Chinese communist brethren, commies since 1952
A final note: It has been pointed out to me since the inception of this list that some of the points seem contradictory with certain other points. For instance, somebody might say “Gee, fun should be enough of a reason for talking back to Chairman Mao.” Each of the phrases on the list is incontrovertibly true. Those of you who say otherwise simply lack the appropriate vision. Report to the salt mine. There are no conflicts on this list.
The Tao of Stalin
A Guide to Being a Communist Dictator in Spirit and Practice
• The Way of Peace is the way of Death for the Soviet Republic
• The Way of Capitalism is a path to Greed and Misery
• The way of Communism is the way to Glorious brotherhood IN misery
• To live, Be like Iron
• To be like Iron is to punish for an infraction as soon as it becomes possible
• Never use torture without a good reason
• Fun is a good enough reason for anything
• Never talk back to your mother, or Chairman Mao
• Mercy is soft, and is the first step on the Way of Peace
• The only effective Punishment is Death
• Nobody Doesn't Love Puppies
• A soft Enemy is a defeated Enemy
• To defeat an Enemy seem to be soft so your Enemy will also be soft, but remain of Iron
• If you want 10, demand 30, and if they don't offer at least 20, launch nukes
• Make a Promise for Forever, Keep a Promise for as long as it is Convenient
• If a Man Threatens You, Threaten His Puppy
• Enemies are like Heavyweight Boxers. Better by far to watch them fight than to get involved
• As a Leader you stand on the backs of the workers. Pile some more workers on
• When offered a choice between two attractive options, kill whoever was foolish enough to presume to limit you and take both
• Plan 'B' is always "Launch the Nukes"
• Sometimes, Plan 'A' is "Launch the Nukes"
• Plan 'C' is a secret, but I can tell you it involves Vodka
• While it may be fun, scorched earth is not always the best policy.
• Put people at ease. Instead of “genocide” say “reorganization of population.” Use “Entertain” instead of “Torture horribly for fun”
• Education is power. People who Divide power get overthrown
• It is impossible to run a county without good help. But remember, if your help is too good you will not run a country for long.
• Fight for Mother Russia
• It is glorious to give your lives, property, freedom, self respect, hope, future, talent, and family for Mother Russia
• I Am Mother Russia
• Nobody calls me Mommy
Posted by DjDuk at 02:42 AM | Comments (1)
The Theoretical Physicist
I’ve spent a great deal of time looking at career possibilities, job opportunities, and continuing education in an effort to escape my current salt mine. As I examined these options it occurred to me that they all share a sort of unsavory “work” trait. Despairing of finding an appropriately low effort vocation I nearly gave up. But then I stumbled upon the theoretical physicist (not literally, that would just be silly. There's nothing silly at this website). A theoretical physicist’s job is to perform “Thought Experiments.” To the uninitiated, a thought experiment is an experiment conducted by doing nothing. Really. My hand to God. Nothing.
The Theoretical Physicist (TP) is derived from the theoretician and the Physicist. The Theoretician takes a current assumption about how the world works, and then thinks about it. At least that’s how it’s supposed to work. He looks at a flower and then says “I think that flower will always be red.” Then, he never looks at the flower again. That’s it. Just, “I think this will never change,” and then he thinks about how it won’t. Naturally, once other people started to occasionally look at the damn flower the poor theoretician was put right out of business.
That’s where the Physics comes in. Physics is a discipline filled to the brim with improvable assumptions and complex mathematical descriptions of things like cheerios. This, finally, is a place the theoretician can really let loose. One famous TP was Erwin Schrödinger. Erwin invented a thought experiment to demonstrate how quantum physics works. He suggested locking a cat in a box with a flask of acid. Then setting up the acid in such a way that there is a 50/50 chance it will burst forth and slay the feline. This is a perfect example of a thought experiment because nobody has any chance of actually trying it. Also, the experiment was designed to prove that we must, mathematically treat the cat as though it is both alive and dead. Even if we could try the experiment all we’ll do is kill a cat (maybe) The (alleged) death of Mr. Whiskers would only serve to prove the experiment useless, because what mathematical equation requires a (rumored) dead cat? We have set up an experiment where the results are irrelevant, the process is unimportant and by definition unknowable and by the time we’ve finished all we’ve done is snuff out the life (possibly) of an innocent house pet.
The TP’s position is thus secure. They can all call upon the spirit of Erwin to protect them, and should anybody ever try to prove the results PETA will eat them.
Posted by DjDuk at 02:40 AM | Comments (0)