April 30, 2006
DJDuk talks back
Mr. Bailey responded to this week's "Bailey Furby" post I thought his remarks deserved a wider audience. They also deserved some commentary of their own. Mr. Bailey said:
"I don't know what to say about this post. This post is completely devoid of fact, taste, kindness, or rational thought. I, in no way resemble the creepy Furby toy. After all the Furby toy can not plot to kill you, something I am doing right now. A Furby can not hold a knife, a gun, or a flame thrower as I can. I Furby can not take an AR10 semi-automatic gas powered rifle and go stocking around office after office pumping round after round into Duks, Penguins, and Furbys. Or maybe you shouldn't just post every peace of trash that happens to float though your mind.
If you ever post anything about me like this again, the last post of this sight will reed as follows:
-Duk virus detected-
-End of line-"
Wow, this is a level of bitterness I'm not used to in a Bailey response. I finally feel like I hit a nerve. I'd be ashamed, but I'm kinda happy to have proof Bailey has a nervous system. Finally something to pull us back from the "Bailey is a tree" hypothesis. To respond to Mr. Bailey point by point, first, none of my posts contain fact, taste, kindness, or any thought, rational or otherwise. I promise to keep DJduk.com strictly surrealist. Second, I think the resemblance speaks for itself and the vehemence of the protest betrays a certain defensiveness on the matter. Third, I'm pretty sure a Furby can plot to kill somebody. I've felt the beady eyes of our workplace Furby boring in malice into the back of my head as I leave the room that compromises its primary range. I thought at first the malevolent emanation was from one of my employees, but it happens even when they’re not there, and sometimes, just after I leave I can hear the little beast’s ears moving. Not airtight evidence, but at least an indication of a dastardly plot (It’s a pity I don’t get to use the word “Dastardly” more. I shall have to remedy that.) Fourth, while a Furby clearly cannot hold any of the weapons you describe I have every reason to believe that the creature’s beak is a razor sharp and deadly weapon in its own right. Fifth, Bailey begins the next sentence, “I Furby.” A helpful Freudian slip. Finally, Bailey himself breaks down a bit at this point, he badly quotes Fight Club, makes an effort to be threatening, but you can tell his heart isn’t in it. That Freudian slip clearly left an impression on him. From the ending of his reply I have every reason to believe Mr. Bailey is at home right now, rethinking is life and his decision to stay in the Furby closet. Come out of the closet Bailey, admit your Furbyhood, your true friends will still support you.
Posted by DjDuk at 11:44 AM | Comments (4) | TrackBack
April 29, 2006
Happy Birthday
Today marks the 2nd anniversary of this incarnation of DJDuk.com. We know God remembers, because it's raining today. Clearly he disapproves. With any luck, plagues will follow. That would at least give an interesting post or two.
Posted by DjDuk at 11:44 AM | Comments (611) | TrackBack
April 28, 2006
Boredom pt 3 Chapter 2
Some time ago I engaged in a certain impish prank. The company involved has been nice enough to respond and I thought I would post the result of our correspondence. This picture details their letter in response. They were so pleased by my letter they even sent me a coupon for more Pepsi for free (1, 2)
So pleased by this turn of events was I that I allowed my faithful sidekick, Chomsky the Penguin, to rush right down to the grocery store and pick up some more Pepsi. Normally I'd think the mind shattering flavor of Wild Cherry Pepsi is too much for him, but this was a special occasion.
Posted by DjDuk at 12:14 PM | Comments (3) | TrackBack
April 27, 2006
Self Discovery
It makes me feel a bit sheepish that in the past 20 days I've had several good ideas for post and I never got around to writing one. Then the post I do write is a mean-spirited Bailey post. This would seem to indicate that deep down I'm just small, petty, mean person. That the very next post is all about myself seems to show that I'm also a Narcissist.
I've already gotten some feedback that normal people don't know what a Narcissist is. That right there makes me feel good about myself.
Posted by DjDuk at 11:44 AM | Comments (591) | TrackBack
April 26, 2006
Bailey - Furby
A Furby is a small fuzzy animatronic animal that mimics English. They spout nonsense but after a while its nonsense composed of English. Before that its just regular nonsense. I don't know why I didn’t see the Bailey connection before. The idea gelled when one of my coworkers looked at her Furby and said, "His eyes are open but he's not on." Could have sworn she was talking about Bailey. This seems to be Bailey's main mode of operation. Bailey's eyes are open, he navigates the objects of the world in a fairly adept manner but in some fundamental way he's not on. There are instances, certainly, where Bailey shows that rare spark of brilliance the human race calls average, but for the most part, his eyes are open and he's not on. On an unrelated side note, most Furby's also have a goofy, Bailey style haircut.
Posted by DjDuk at 11:44 AM | Comments (7) | TrackBack
April 05, 2006
Good works
People are always coming to me for advice. Everybody wants to know how DJ Duk would do it. Well, rest easy, gentle readers, for now I answer one of the eager questions asked of me. Who knows, maybe your question will be next.
Dear DJ Duk,
What is the best way to remove spilled food from your
shirt? I've noticed that when I try and suck it off of
the shirt, it leaves a large spit mark. Sometimes this
doesn't even remove the spill! When attempting this
technique, I also am plagued with little cotton
fuzzies on my tongue. As you can see, this is a huge
problem! Please help!
Sincerely,
Spitty McFuzz
Well Spitty, while I sympathize with your plight, I don't think you're really asking the right question here. All of you mammals, with your fancy teeth and highfalutin lips, shouldn't be spilling any food at all. It took me three years to learn how to eat an orange without all of the juice dribbling onto my feathers. You come and talk to me about eating problems after you've tried to eat a caramel apple with nothing but a bill. I've never heard paramedics laugh so hard. Bastards.
My point is, enjoy your meals. So what if they decorate your shirt for the rest of the day. You never know if your next bite is your last.
On a practical note, if you're going to be chowing down on your clothing you should spend a little more for the springtime fresh laundry detergent. With just a hint of eucalyptus, the difference between those little fuzzies and a tic-tac isn't worth mentioning.
DJ Duk
Posted by DjDuk at 12:01 AM | Comments (2) | TrackBack